The Misadventures of Bert and Ernie
by English Elite Group
Summary: Bert and Ernie go out to the titty bars, Get chased by kids' ghosts through WalMart, and deal with Newman! Rated 'T' for some mild suggestive themes. Please R&R!
1. A Night on the Town

The Misadventures of Bert and Ernie  
By  
Tobias Glass

"Where are we going Bert?" Ernie asked his friend as they stepped out of their apartment at 123 Sesame Street.

We're gonna go check out some promiscuous women," Bert replied as he took another drag off of his cigarette. They got into his white Subaru™ Turbo, Fired her up, and left Sesame Street. Soon they were cruising down the streets of Portland, while Bert leered at the promiscuous ladies of the evening. Ernie sat there mortified, his face redder than Elmo. What kind of person was his friend off-camera? he wondered. He had never seen this side of Bert before, never noticed the strange gleam in his eye.

"Hey baby, want a ride?" Bert asked a girl as he pulled over. She bent down and looked in the car. Laughing, she kept walking.

Ernie turned and looked at his friend, who was going purple in the face. He put the gas pedal to the floor and aimed at the lewd lady. Ernie screamed and pulled up on the E-brake, wincing at the squeal of the tires. "What do you think you're doing?" he cried.

"You know what they say about payback you little…" Bert subsided into muttering about the hooker. He put the car into gear and drove over to Platinum Plus (a titty bar in Portland, Maine) , grumbling all the way.

"BERT!" cried Ernie when they got there. "Why are you going into Platinum Plus? You aren't even old enough to get in!"

"Watch this," Bert said with a mean little smirk. He got out of the car and walked right up to the bouncer. "Evenin' Tony," he said and then showed him a fake ID. The man grunted and let him in. Slipping another one to Ernie, Bert motioned for him to come on. Ernie sighed, showed the bouncer the ID and followed Bert in.

The lights were dim, and the DJ was playing dance music as the two Muppets™ sat down. They ordered some drinks, a ginger ale for Ernie, and a White Russian for Bert. Leaning over to Ernie, Bert muttered, "Look at all the promiscuity here eh?"

Ernie looked around and went Elmo-coloured again. The girls that were dancing were moving their bodies in a very suggestive manner, one that Ernie felt embarrassed to look at and was captivated by at the same time. Bert beckoned to a scantily clad female, and she approached the two. "Well hello there Denise," Bert said coyly.

"Hey Bert," replied the lovely Denise, a Southern drawl lilting her words. She was a looker if Ernie had ever seen one, and quite promiscuous looking, though he banished the thought from his mind immediately. "Wanna go into a back room?" Denise asked Bert.

"You know it, sweetheart," Bert replied. They got up and Denise led the way to a hallway full of doors in the back of the club. Looking into one of them, Ernie saw another dancer putting on a show for another group of people. Denise turned and led Bert and Ernie into the next room over. She swished the fuzzy scarf she had on over Ernie's face and the Muppet™ nearly fell over from shock. She was going to put on a show for them!

An hour, three more White Russians, and thirty dollars later Bert got into the car, and Ernie took his keys. "You're drunk, Bert. I'll drive."

"I ain't druuu..." Bert tried to feebly protest, but fell asleep in the driver's seat. Ernie hoisted his inebriated friend into the passenger's seat and slid into the Subaru's™ cockpit. It couldn't be that hard to drive. He'd seen Bert do it a million times. Looking at the controls, Ernie felt very intimidated indeed. 

Just then, the promiscuous girl that had given them the show walked out, shrugging a long coat on over her outfit. "Denise!" Ernie called out. The girl waved and sauntered over.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Well, Bert's passed out, and I've never-- well, I haven't…"He stuttered.

"Never driven before?" Denise finished for him. Ernie nodded sheepishly. "No problem. I'll drive you home." Ernie moved the now snoozing Bert to the backseat, and Denise took over the driver's seat. Ernie buckled up, and Denise started the car. "Whoa! This baby hauls!" she said, laughing as she peeled out in the parking lot. Maybe this was a bad idea, thought Ernie.

It turned out to be the most fun Ernie had ever had. Denise was obviously a very good driver, and it showed in the way she tore down the streets of Portland. "This isn't the way to Sesame Street though," Ernie said curiously. 

"I figured since y'all seemed to be havin' such fun, I thought you'd like to have a little more." Denise replied as she pulled up to a line of cars at a line. A tall man approached the window. "What's the stakes tonight, Jake?" she asked him. 

"Two grand," Jake replied. "What's with the puppets?" he asked curiously, peering at the two Muppets™.  
"Just a couple'a friends I'm hangin' out with," Denise replied. She revved up the engine, and Jake stepped up in the middle of the line of cars. He held up his hands, three fingers raised, and counted down. Three, two, one! The four cars took off, and the race was on. 

Denise drove like a pro. She wove in and out of her opponents, quickly taking the lead. Ernie held on for dear life as she took a turn almost on two wheels, thinking all the while that they were going to crash. Bit by bit though, he relaxed as he realised that Denise was more than just a promiscuous stripper, she knew what she was doing. He sat back and began to have fun.

The finish line was in sight as the small white Subaru™ came around the last corner. Ernie cheered, and they crossed the finish line with the stereo blasting the Crystal Method's "Born too Slow". Ernie did a little victory dance in his seat as Denise stopped to collect the money from Jake, and gave him a portion of it. "Thanks, man," she said to him as she pulled away.

They drove back to Sesame Street while Ernie gushed about the race. "That was so cool!" he exclaimed as Denise pulled into Bert's normal parking space. "Well, thanks," He said, thanking Denise for the ride. "I want to learn how to drive like that sometime though!" he added.

"Sure. I'll take you out driving sometime," she replied. "Here's my number. Call me when you have some free time." She gave him a card with her number on it.

"'Night," he said as Denise headed down the street towards the nearest subway station. Hauling Bert into the house, he looked forward to the next time he saw Denise.


	2. The Exorcist: WalMart

4

**Further Mishaps of Bert and Ernie**

**By Tobias Glass**

"Attention Wal-Mart shoppers. We will be closing shortly. Please bring your items to the checkout counter." Bert heard the voice over the PA system, but paid no attention. He had seen an employee leaving the restroom with a mop and bucket and had decided that it would be funny to scrawl graffiti on the wall for the next morning's patrons to read.

Stepping back, Bert admired his handiwork. He read over some of it and snorted. He was sure someone would find it funny. "Ernie, you gotta come and read some of these," Bert said, proudly.

"I can't believe you did that Bert," Ernie said reproachfully as he crawled under the wall from the stall next to Bert's. He read some of the things his friend had written. They were mostly ribald sexual comments that only the most perverted of souls would find funny. He forced a laugh, and said, "Can't we just get going Bert? They're going to lock us in if we don't hurry up."

"Who cares? We can steal all the nudie calendars," Bert replied as he drew a pot leaf on the door in green permanent marker. Ernie rolled his eyes and waited for his friend to finish. Bert put the finishing touches on the inked plant and they stepped out of the stall.

Quite distinctly, the two heard footsteps outside the restroom. Motioning for Ernie to follow him, Bert went back into the stall and he and Ernie stood on the toilet as the employee shut off the lights in the bathroom. Feeling vaguely nauseated, Ernie waited with Bert until the person left.

Slowly, Bert and Ernie crept out of the lavatory to find Wal-Mart completely deserted. They wandered around the checkouts for a couple of minutes, Bert snatching candy bars off the shelves here and there, and Ernie looking around, sure that they were going to get caught. One of the good things about being a Muppet™, he thought, was that their fuzzy little hands didn't leave fingerprints. "Ernie! You gotta try one of these!" exclaimed Bert, holding up a candy bar. Ernie sighed, and helped himself to a candy bar, as Bert took three.

The gentle sound of rain began, pattering lightly at first, but soon was gushing down in buckets. Ernie looked out the window, barely ably to see Bert's Subaru™ turbo through the downpour, a lone figure in the parking lot. A ragged bolt of lightning manifested itself, and the boom of thunder shook the empty store, and the two Muppets™ jumped. The security lights flickered, and went out.

"I don't like this, Ernie muttered as he looked around. He heard a giggle, and looked at Bert. "What a time to laugh, Bert!" Ernie exclaimed. Then he realized that Bert looked just scared as he felt.

"What the--?" Bert said, looking past Ernie. Ernie turned to look, and was surprised to see a small boy of about six sitting on a tricycle in the middle of the aisle.

"Hello little boy," Ernie said with a relieved smile, as he approached the child. The little boy looked at him with a blank stare, and Ernie realized that the boy was probably scared of being left in the dark. "Come on. Bert and I won't hurt you. We're gonna go find a way out of here. Wanna come with us?" he asked the child.

The little boy bared his teeth, which, to Ernie's horror, were pointed. The child let out a feral growl, and charged at them on his tricycle, just as a whole gang of children materialized from nowhere, all with a wild look in their eyes. Bert screamed, the highest sound Ernie had ever heard his friend make, and bolted. Ernie followed right behind him, his heart racing uncontrollably. _What kind of place was this?_ He wondered. They ran to the end of the appliances department, and turned the corner into the furniture department. When the reached the bed section, they hid under the covers of the nearest bed they could find and cowered, waiting. After a couple of minutes, during which all that could be heard was the rain and their thudding hearts, Ernie chanced a peek out from under the covers. "Nothing," he whispered. They climbed off the bed and cautiously wandered around, keeping close to the bed.

"Hey," a voice whispered, and Bert and Ernie turned with a jump. Another little boy stood there, his features pale and almost transparent. "You want to get out of here alive, yes? Follow me." Without another word, the boy turned and ran to the customer service desk, leaving after-trails as he ran along the aisle. The two terrified Muppets™ knew then what these children were.

Ghosts. The souls of dead children. Ernie shuddered, and started to follow the ghost-boy, but Bert grabbed him by the arm. "What are you doing? For all we know, this kid could be trying to corner us and eat us both!"

"I don't know about you, but I want to survive this nightmare!" Ernie said, jerking his arm out of Bert's grasp. "And if that means a ghost bodyguard, then so be it!" he glared at his friend. "I'm going. If you want to stay and get eaten, fine." He started after the ghost-boy.

A few seconds later, grumbling and mumbling, Bert came along. Ernie grinned to himself, and sped up to follow the ghost. The boy had stopped on the other side of the counter, and after giving Ernie a leg up, Bert vaulted over the desk.

"Who are you?" Ernie asked hesitantly. The ghost smiled.

"You mean 'who was I?' When I was alive, they called me Joey. I've been dead since a car accident in 1987, when there was a road here instead of a store. The others died in a fire when the old store burned; they were spoiled and have grown bitter since they died. Some still don't realize that they're not alive anymore. They keep amused by scaring people, and they grow more twisted by the day. They have to be stopped, but I can't do it alone. I need a mortal's help." He looked imploringly at Bert and Ernie. "I have everything to do it with, but I need someone with a body and blood. There was a man who helped rebuild the store after the fire, and he could see all of us. He built a chamber under this desk, but the others found him, and destroyed him." Joey turned and led them over to a dark blue rectangle in the wall, kicked it, and it opened. Bert and Ernie followed him through it. He closed the door and slid a screen down over it. "A ghost has to count all the holes in it before he can pass," Joey explained. "Daylight always comes before they finish."

"But what if they know how to multiply?" Ernie whispered to no one in particular. The three then went down a short section of stairs, and entered through another door with a screen behind it. Through that door there was a small room. Joey took two candles from his pocket, and, with Bert's cigarette lighter, he lit them. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, Ernie saw that there was a workbench along the far wall, with a book on top of it. "What's that?" He asked Joey.

"That's a manual on how to send the spirits on to the Next Realm," the ghost-boy replied. "The man that built this room brought it from outside to help defeat the spoiled ones, but they took him before he could use it on them." He flipped through the pages until he came to one with an incantation on it. "Read this, and tell me if you think you can do it." The two moved closer to the tome, and read the words printed on thick vellum paper.

After reading it, Ernie's face lit up. "You think we can do it?" he asked his friend.

"I don't know. But if we die, remember that I was against the whole thing in the first place."

"Okay then. Do you have everything we need?" Ernie asked Joey.

Of course. You can find anything in WalMart," the ghost said grinning. He opened up a cupboard under the workbench, revealing a cross, a silver dagger, a candle, a piece of chalk, and a small hand mirror. Ernie picked up all these things and put them in his pockets, carefully hoisting the heavy book off the bench and giving it to Bert to carry. Joey led the way up the stairs and out the secret door. Ernie looked around as they exited, certain that they would be attacked. But the demonic little shades were nowhere to be seen as Ernie checked with the mirror for them; the book had said to use a mirror to check for ghosts, for this would show them even if they were invisible.

Continuing down the aisles to the toy department, which Joey had said that the undead brats loved to haunt, they saw no more than cheap (in all senses of the word) merchandise, overpriced merchandise, and Today® Sponge displays. Before they rounded the corner to the toy section, Ernie checked one more time around the corner. With a start, he saw that the place was seething with the small forms of deceased children, gamboling about and playing. _Would he be able to do this?_ he wondered. Ernie honestly didn't know, but he _did_ know that it wasn't right that they be stuck here. Turning to Bert and Joey, he whispered, "They're in all the aisles except the one on the other end. We'll have to sneak in there." They went around the school supply department and Ernie gave another look to see if the spoiled ones had seen them. It was all clear, so he, Bert and Joey all stepped into the quiet aisle, which happened to be the children's bike section, and took all the rest of the items out of his pockets. With the lump of chalk, he drew a large circle on the floor, leaving about a quarter of an inch open. Taking the silver dagger, he pricked his index finger and closed the circle with the drop of blood that welled up there. "Bert, can I have the book, please?"" he asked. Bert set the book down, opened it to the right page, and stepped back thinking _I've never seen Ernie like this before. Either he's afraid for his life, or it's all these ghosts_. Bert figured it was probably the latter.

Ernie stepped back from the circle as a golden light flared around it, illuminating the two Muppets™, and diminishing Joey's own faint luminescence a little more. Joey sighed inwardly. Now came the fun part.

Drifting over to Ernie, Joey slipped into him, and Ernie's eyes darkened to Joey's own black, as he became a possessed creature.

Bert felt the ghosts of the other children before he saw them. Their presence felt like that of a crypt, and Bert could almost a faint odor of things long burnt. The dead children giggled, probably at the sight of a Muppet™ doing a banishing ritual. Bert took the cross and held it up. According to the book, that sort of thing only worked if you believed, which Bert fortunately did. The holy object glowed with an inner light, and the shades of the children shrank back from it.

"Spirits!" said a voice that was only half Ernie and half Joey. "Move on from this place. You are no longer here. Move on." Ernie/Joey took the candle and blew on it, which lit it. Walking around the inside of the circle, Ernie/Joey chanted, "With light I banish you from here." They held up the dagger, "With blood and silver I banish you from here" They exchanged the dagger for the cross, which Bert handed them. "With faith I banish you from here." They took up the final object, the mirror. "With spelled reflection, I banish you from here. Now GO! Go on to the Next Realm and never look back!" With a final howl, the spirits, which had been crowding around the circle, fell back, their spirit-forms melting away… but then they rose again, looking as innocent as children should.

Joey left Ernie's body, staring enraptured as the rest of the children glided upwards. He turned to Bert and Ernie and told them, "The others are at peace. My job here is done." With that last, he rose up with the other children, looking as happy as they did. Bet and Ernie stood there, looking at the rising spirits until they disappeared. They stepped out of the circle, breaking its power, and began to clean up the mess. Nobody could know that they had been there. Nobody. They finished, and found their way out through the shopping cart door. Bert and Ernie both knew that they wouldn't be returning to WalMart for a while, and left as fast as Bert's Subaru™ would carry them.


	3. The Real Reason Mr Hooper 'Died'

5

**The Real Reason Mr. Hooper Died**

**By**

**Tobias Glass**

"What are we watching first, Bert?" Ernie asked as he stepped back into the living room. The two had rented movies and were going to have a guys' night in. Ernie had bought some food, which explained the large bowl of chips in his hands. Although it didn't explain the yellow rubber ducky that was riding on top of the chips. (Its name, funnily enough, was Rubber Ducky).

"I put in _Pootie Tang_ first, so I could make you watch it." Bert leered at Ernie, who playfully shoved him over and sat down on the couch, carefully placing Rubber Ducky next to him. The video came on, and Ernie stared as he put a chip into his mouth.

"What's with all the static?" Bert complained, stuffing his face with chips.

Suddenly, the image of a dark ring flashed onto the TV screen. "What the—" Bert and Ernie said at the same time. A burning tree then flashed into the ring's place. Things only got stranger from there on in. There was a woman brushing her hair, the ring again, the same woman jumping off a cliff, the ring again, and all kinds of crazy things. Then, as abruptly as it started, the odd sequence of events was over, and there was only static.

Just then the phone rang, and Ernie jumped. "It's just the phone, you pansy!" said Bert scathingly, as he got up to answer it. "Hello?" he said.

"Seven days," said a hoarse, deep, although husky, voice, rather like the women Bert had seen at strip clubs.

Really, Debbie, I _said_ I'd call you back, now stop—"

"I'm not Debbie. Debbie's DEAD! And it's seven days until you DIE, you idiot!" snarled the mysterious voice, and hung up.

"Who was that Bert?" asked Ernie.

The next day, Ernie was at Mr. Hooper's store during a break between filming _Sesame Street_, and was discussing the night with Gordon over lunch.

"…And there was this one movie we saw; it was so weird, I think it was put in the wrong case or something, because it _was not_ _Pootie Tang_."

"You rented _Pootie Tang_?" Gordon asked him with a grin. "I thought you weren't old enough to rent that kind of movie." Ernie grinned sheepishly.

"Well, it was Bert who rented it, not me," he explained.

"I didn't know he was old enough either."

"He isn't, but don't tell anyone; Bert's got a fake ID," Ernie explained matter-of-factly.

"Hey man," Gordon said. "I'm down with that."

"But it was weird. There was all this static, and then there was a bunch of really weird stuff, rings, and trees on fire, and it was just— _weird_."

The sandwich dropped out of Gordon's mouth. "I've heard about that video. You watch it and then the telephone rings, and when you answer it, a creepy voice says that you're going to die in seven days. Then, your TV comes on seven days later, and this little girl comes out of it and kills you."

"Oh my god! That's what that phone call after the movie was. Bert said it was UPS calling him to tell him his package would be here next week, but it wasn't, was it? It was that voice. Telling him that we're gonna die!" Ernie dissolved into tears.

"Don't worry," Gordon consoled him. "You're not gonna die. You just need to make a copy of it, and show it to someone else. Get the Count to watch it. He's a vampire. He's immortal."

"No he's not! He just tells everyone that." Ernie said, blowing his nose loudly into his napkin. "He'll die, and I don't want him to die. He's just a kid. I've met dead kids, and they're scary!" at this point, Gordon was sure Ernie was talking nonsense.

It's okay. We just need someone old. Someone…" his eyes fell on Mr. Hooper. "Someone would die soon anyway."

Ernie stared at his co-worker. He had stopped crying now. "Are you talking about who I think you're talking about? Mr. Hooper?" He glanced at Mr. Hooper.

"Yeah. He's old, He's got a nephew, so the store'd survive. And besides, he's got a heart condition anyways. You'd have to make sure that it didn't come back to you though," Gordon said thoughtfully.

"That's horrible!" Ernie exclaimed. Just then, the bell signaled that it was time to go back to work. Ernie and Gordon went back to Sesame Street and put on their fake smiles again for another four hours of forced "happiness". For the children's sake.

Ernie told Bert about what Gordon had said at lunch, and Bert rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "That's an idea."

"What? You're actually thinking of killing off Mr. Hooper?" Ernie asked incredulously. "I can't believe you Bert. You're so messed up sometimes. I thought Mr. Hooper was our friend?"

"Well, the way I see it is that it's either him or us, ya know. And I personally would rather have some old guy die than me any day," Bert grinned, almost apologetically. Ernie said nothing, just purpled with rage and wandered off in search of Rubber Ducky.

Four days later though, Ernie found himself wondering if the tape was still in their apartment. He checked the coffee table in the living room, and sure enough, it was, along with a note in Bert's handwriting saying _I told you it was a good idea_. Ernie crushed the note in his fist, thinking. There didn't seem to be any other way out of their situation. Finally, he reluctantly decided to make Bert do it, though his heart said no.

Later, when Bert got home, Ernie threw a blank videotape at him. "You can do it, but I just can't kill off Mr. Hooper," he said, and went to the bedroom. Bert followed him, and found him sulking, squeezing Rubber Ducky so hard that he was in danger of breaking the rubbery skin of the bath toy.

"Why all the fuss, Ernie? He's just an old guy," said Bert, with his usual amount of tactlessness. Ernie didn't reply. Bert sighed and got up, taking the blank tape with him. He put the evil tape into the VCR, and hooked up the spare VCR that he used to copy the movies that he got from Netflix©. Slipping the blank tape into this, he pressed record, and pressed play on the other one, and began the process of surviving the curse of Samara.

When the video was finished recording, Bert took it out, but the phone rang. Cursing, Bert put the video down and rushed to answer it. "Hello," he said as he pushed the talk button, and heard Ernie pick up the other line.

You broke the rules. Now, it's going to be two hours instead of seven days!" said a hoarse, threatening voice. Laughing, the mysterious caller picked up.

"Bert! Did you record that video?" Ernie wailed.

"Er… yeah," Bert replied awkwardly.

"Well! We'll just see about two hours!" Ernie said angrily, striding into the living room. Ernie took the handheld GPS out of the drawer under the telephone. He opened it and took some wires, hooking it up to the phone in his hand. He dialed "69", and checked the Caller ID. Bert grinned and passed him a pen. Ernie wrote down the number, and when the caller answered, he said icily into the phone, "Seven hours, eh? Well, we'll see about that." Hanging up on the caller, he took a look at the GPS and smiled. The device indicated that the call was coming from an apartment in _New York_. Deciding that he'd deal with the fruit that called later, he said to Bert, "Get dressed. We're going." Bert didn't dare to argue with Ernie when he acted like this. He put on his coat, got the tape out of the VCR, and left, locking the door behind him.

"Where do you want us to go?" Bert asked as he got into his Subaru™.

"Just go to Hooper's" Ernie said tersely as he fastened his seatbelt. Bert obeyed meekly.

When Bert and Ernie got to Hooper's store, they were five minutes to closing. They sauntered into the shop and made their way to the counter. "Hello, Mr. Hooper!" Ernie said politely.

"Hello Ernie! My my, aren't you here late," Mr. Hooper said, making Ernie feel a bit guilty. But he forced a smile (which he had plenty of experience doing) and asked Mr. Hooper if he would mind giving them his opinion on a movie they had seen. "Sure thing boys! Just let me close up the store, and I'll have a look-see."

After he closed things up, he led the way up to his little flat above the store, and popped the tape into his VCR. "Bert reached into his pocket, and dialed Ernie's cell phone. The phone rang and Ernie answered it. He made fake conversation, and closed the phone, saying, "Sorry Mr. Hooper. Something came up, and we have to get going. See ya later!"

"See you boys tomorrow," Mr. Hooper said as they left. _What's with all this cussed static?_ He wondered as he watched the tape….

Seven hours later, Bert's Subaru™ cruised up to an apartment building in New York. _This is the place_, thought Ernie, glancing at the GPS again. He made his way up the stairs, and found the appropriate apartment. Breaking down the door, he encountered a large, rather rotund man, eating Twinkies™ and watching TV. His name was Newman.

"AHHH!" Newman screamed as a very annoyed-looking Muppet™ burst through his door. Somewhere, an audience laughed. "I didn't do anything! I swear! It was- it was KRAMER! He made me do it! I SWEAR!" Newman groveled.

"Do you even know who I am?" Ernie asked him suspiciously.

"Yeah. You're the guy I called and joked about the movie with," Newman said.

"Well make sure it doesn't happen again!" Ernie said in a voice that made it clear that Ernie was unimpressed. He gave Newman a frosty smile and walked out the door.

"What'd you do?" Bert asked as Ernie got into the car.

"Oh, I just gave him the old what-for," Ernie said smiling wanly as he closed the door.

Mr. Hooper sat in a bar on the beaches of Key West, Florida, telling some island friends a story.

"…So then, there were two hours to go, right? So I went down to the street and pulled a homeless old guy off the street, and made him watch the copy _I'd_ made. I wish I could thank Bert and Ernie though. I passed the business onto m'nephew, and now I'm here. I got to get away earlier than expected!" A waitress brought another round of drinks, and Mr. Hooper raised his glass. "To Bert and Ernie!" he said. The rest of the group repeated the toast, and they clinked their glasses together, and drank deeply.


	4. Zombie Nation

12

Night of the Living Muppets™

By Tobias Glass

One night on Sesame Street, as everyone lay dreaming in their beds, a strange wet fog began at one end of the street, and worked its way up. The things in it were nightmares, and would leave no inhabitant of Sesame Street unscathed in some way. 

Out of the fog came a mass of what looked like floating spinal cords attached to yellow slimy heads. These creatures were Daemites. And they were about to cause a whole lot of trouble for the residents of Sesame Street.

The first abode they came to was the nest of Big Bird. They made their way up to his nest, as Big Bird jerked awake. "What the--" he said, looking over the edge of his nest. He saw the Daemites and let out a startled cry. It was the last sound he ever made; the Daemites made it up the tree, and one of them pushed its way into his mouth, Big Bird writhed for a moment, and then he stood up, his head popping off, and the head of the Daemite popped out of the hole. Its tail was pushed into the large bird's spinal cord, controlling his body completely. _(A/n: It's hard to imagine unless you've played the game _Bloodrayne Its voice sounded like a dying asthmatic's whisper as it said, "Can ya tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?" The rest of the Daemites chortled as the made their way to the next house on the street. Things happened this way until they reached the house of Bert and Ernie, where Bert was watching _Saturday Night Live_ while Ernie slept.

During a commercial break, Bert went out to the kitchen to refill his bowl of popcorn. With only the stove hood light on, he opened a bag of white cheddar popcorn, and dumped it into the bowl. He crumpled up the bag and threw it away. Turning to go, Bert heard a sound. It sounded like the footsteps of zombies. _I've been watching too many horror movies_ Bert thought as he turned off the light.

The sound of shattering glass jerked his attention back to the kitchen quickly. A large yellow bird flopped through the window and groaned.

"Big Bird? What the--?" he said, and gasped as the giant avian creature lifted its head. Where Big Bird's feathered head was had become a slimy looking round thing with a maw of gnashing teeth.

"Cut us," said the thing that had been Big Bird, as others climbed through the window. Bert shrieked, and threw the bowl of popcorn into the evil creature's face. He ran up the stairs, and into Ernie's room shouting, "Ernie! Wake up! They're after us!" Ernie gave a startled moan and sat up.

"Bert? What's goin' on? What happened?" Ernie murmured as he sat up. Bert clamped his hand over Ernie's mouth as they waited with bated breath as the sounds of zombie-ish feet walking past the door. They could see the shadows pass the door as the Daemite infested Muppets™ shuffled by. Bert let out a quiet sigh as the creatures seemed intent upon passing by their hiding place.

The door burst open; their former friends and neighbors stumbled in, along with several Daemites. The nearest one started towards Bert, who trembled, knowing that the end had come; the evil creature drew closer, closer...

All of a sudden, The Daemite's head exploded. It fell to the floor, twitching, and a young girl stood in the doorway. Her chin-length scarlet hair and emerald eyes stood out against her pale, heart-shaped face. She had beguiling looks, and a body to match. Clad in a corset-style top, and tight red and black leather pants, with long, razor sharp blades attached to her arms, she cast a formidable and somewhat frightening figure in the light from the hallway.

The Daemite/Muppets™ turned as one to look at her. They abruptly attacked her. She fended them off with her arm blades and a harpoon at her wrist. They noticed that she was careful to only decapitate the Daemites that were attached to Muppets™ that didn't immediately flee, while slicing up the rest. When she finished exterminating the creatures, she turned to Bert and Ernie.

"I hate those things," she said to the two startled Muppets™.

"Who—Who are you?" Bert asked her.

"I'm Rayne. And those things are going to come back if we don't hurry up and get out of here," she said impatiently. "Is there a place nearby that we could get to and defend?" When neither Bert nor Ernie was forthcoming, she said, "Never mind. I saw a water tower on the hill down the street. Hurry up." She went downstairs, and Bert and Ernie looked at each other; and silently started to get dressed.

They went down the stairs to find Rayne returning with the dagger, the mirror, and the candles that they had used in WalMart. She put these items in a small leather satchel and slung it over her back. "Well come on then," Rayne said to them. "Does one of you have a car or something?"

"I do," said Bert. He shrugged on his jacket and pulled them out of his pocket, jingling them. "Are you sure it'll outrun the bodiless ones?"

"Positive," said Rayne, as they stepped out the front door, where Bert's Subaru™ turbo was parked. Rayne climbed into the front seat, and Ernie slid into the back. They fastened their seatbelts, and were soon whizzing down Sesame Street. Ernie looked back, and saw a new crowd of Daemites emerge from the miasmic mist. He relaxed a bit as he saw that even the fastest ones couldn't keep up with the frisky little sports car.

Rayne took a silver flask from her hip, and took a long swig. She made a face, and put it away. "Eergh. Terrible. So much better when it's warm," she said.

"What is it?" Ernie asked her.

"What do you think?" she asked him, and she grinned, revealing sharp fangs, dripping scarlet from the drink she had just imbibed. Bert took a glance, and rummaged in his pocket, lighting up a cigarette, and taking a shaky drag.

"You're a vampire," Ernie said, detachedly. For some reason, it didn't frighten him as much as it should have.

"Only half- vampire," said Rayne, grinning. "My mother was a human, and my father was—look out!" A Daemite crossed the road, and Bert narrowly avoided hitting it. The water tower rose into sight as they got to the end of Sesame Street, a black sentinel against the blue velvet sky. Bert parked next to it, and they took the ladder up to the top. Climbing onto the roof, they waited.

"Wait. I have an idea," Ernie said. Out of the pocket of his coat, he took a lump of sidewalk chalk, and made a large circle around them. He left it a fraction of an inch incomplete, and took the silver dagger. He poked his index finger with it, and closed the circle; a gold flash of light flared for a moment around it

. Everything within a half mile radius saw it, and the infested Muppets™ and plain Daemites that saw it all turned and began their pursuit to their target hosts, Bert and Ernie, guided by the single intelligence that drove them. They were soon at the tower, and Rayne began to worry. Ernie had told her that the spell circle that he had cast would protect them, but how was she going to fight the Daemites off without the use of her blades?

A panicked shriek broke the darkness, and the figure of yet another young woman appeared on the horizon. The girl was a few years older than Rayne, with a sheet of midnight black hair and a sword at her side. Across her chest was a bandolier with seven mahogany handles sticking out of the leather pouches on it.

"This way!" called Rayne, and the girl turned her course towards the tower. As she got closer, the three could see why she had been running. A massive horde of creatures that looked absolutely terrifying, clearly dead, was chasing her. The girl flew up the ladder, and Ernie broke the circle around them. The black haired girl rushed in, and Ernie resealed the circle, just as the Daemites and the Muppet™/Daemites came into view. Beating a hasty scamper up the tower, the Daemites and dead things cleared the roof; the girl spoke in a strange tongue and drew a symbol in the air with her hand. It glowed, and flew at the assorted creatures. They recoiled at the bright light that issued from it, and many of them fell off the roof. The girl turned and, with a relieved sigh, collapsed to the floor.

"Who are you?" Bert asked.

"I am Lirael," She replied. "I followed some of the Dead Hands here, and they ambushed me. There is someone behind this, and whether it is a necromancer or something else, I know not. But whoever he is, it is him who brought these creatures and the Dead to this land. We _must_ find him and stop him, before he takes over all everything."

"So you're saying this bad boy that talks to dead people is calling Daemites and these 'Dead Hands' here to cause trouble? And you can do some sort of magic to repel them, at least for a little while?" Rayne asked Lirael.

"I'm sure of it," said Lirael, getting to her feet. I'm not sure what exactly these 'Daemites' are or where they come from, but they are definitely controlled by the same necromancer as the Dead. I can sense Shadow Hands farther back too."

"What are Shadow Hands?" Ernie asked hesitantly, as though not sure he wanted to know.

"They are like Dead Hands, but they are without flesh, so they are even more of a threat than the dead hands, I'm afraid," Lirael said.

"And how do you know all this?" Bert demanded abruptly.

"I am the Abhorsen in waiting. The Abhorsen is sort of a necromancer that puts the dead to rest instead of raising them. We maintain the border between Life and Death, so that all walk their final path," Lirael informed him.

"Oh," said Bert, Ernie and Rayne together.

With a mass of hissing, gurgling and the clicking of necrotic joints, the army of evil swept up the ladder again in another attempt to surround the last living characters of Sesame Street. Bert and Ernie drew as far away from the motley array of things, and the circle crackled and flashed golden as the evil army tried to overwhelm it. "They're going to break through soon!" Lirael cried, as the circle flared even brighter than before. "I need to cast a diamond of protection. Stand back."

Lirael went to the northernmost part of the circle, and drew her sword, which had strange symbols on it that danced on its surface, and drew a mark in the air again. This time it flowed down her sword to form a bright recreation of the mark that Lirael had drawn in the air. She did the same at the western, eastern and southern parts of the circle, and stepped back. "Nobody go outside the diamond," cautioned Lirael. With a magnificent flash and sparking, Ernie's protective circle collapsed, and the Dead Hands stood back, aware of what the diamond would do to them. The few Daemites that blundered into it got scorched and thrown back, their lives extinguished. Ernie grinned, thinking of what they had done to his friends. Then the rest of the Daemites swarmed towards the diamond. They reveled in the pain. "This _isn't_ what I had planned," muttered Lirael. She stepped back from the diamond, and turned to the rest of the little group. "There _is_ a way I can find out who is sending these creatures. I can go into Death and find the necromancer who is sending these creatures after us."

"But how can you go into Death? Death is a state of mind, not an actual place," Bert interrupted. "I mean, how do we know it isn't you who-?"

"Surely it's blazingly obvious, Bert, that she isn't one of them," Ernie said sharply. Bet blinked. What Ernie said was true. He felt vaguely retarded.

"Never mind that. If there's a way that you think you can make these things go away, do it," Rayne ordered. Lirael nodded and closed her eyes. Fog billowed out around her feet, and the other three stepped back from her. Ice and fog wrapped around the woman, making her look like a museum specimen just in from the Arctic.

Lirael felt the familiar tug, and the chill that only those who traveled in Death knew. She knew where the necromancer was, to some degree, but he lay farther away from her, closer to the Second Precinct than she. He was highly skilled in Free Magic, and powerful, that was certain. She took a deep breath, and drew her sword, the sound of metal on metal echoing loudly over the flat expanse of water. She waded on, feeling very little in the way of spirits in this particular area. The dim lighting of Death prevented her from seeing too far, but soon enough, she could see the necromancer. He was a short, squat, rather rotund man, but he fairly radiated an evil aura. To those of you who realize that this is Newman again, give yourselves a hand. He turned and saw her. "Abhorsen!" he hissed. Newman took out the bell Saraneth. Swinging it in a figure eight pattern, Newman exerted his will over the young woman. Lirael steeled herself to fight the bell. She could see the sound waves travel across the water and when they reached her, she braced herself. The will of Newman was terrible. Lirael could feel the near unbearable power that would overwhelm most of the creatures of Death. But Newman underestimated one thing. She was also more powerful than the creatures of Death. She fought the bell, and withdrew her own. It was Ranna, the Sleeper. Ringing it, Lirael put her will behind the call of the bell, and Newman dropped like a fat man after Thanksgiving dinner. Lirael went over to him, and poked him with a Charter Mark for poking. Yep. He was out cold. It was a good thing that he was floating, she thought, or he'd drown. She decided to let the current have its way with him, and let Death Judge him. Turning, she waded back towards the border of Life and Death. She crossed over and, with a crackling of ice, opened her physical eyes.

"Whatever you did, it worked," said Rayne, smiling. "The Daemites and those Dead Hands just turned and ran for no good reason. What did you do?"

Lirael explained her story to the other three. When she was finished, Ernie said quietly, "That guy Newman must have something against us, because we've met him before. He tried to do us in before."

"You should make sure he doesn't do it again," Lirael commented. "I'll put some wards around your house, and that'll keep him from using Free Magic to do you in. Meanwhile, let's see to those friends of yours."

The four went around Sesame Street and located all the Muppets™ that had been possessed by the Daemites. Rayne helped load them all in a cart, and they brought them to the water tower. There, they took the stuffed animals that Ernie and Bert could find that looked like the dead friends, and lined them up next to their dead counterparts. Rayne took out a book on voodoo, and stood over the dolls, with a strange jewel pendant, she brought the dolls to life with the minds and souls of the dead Muppets™.

The Muppets™ all thanked Rayne, and went back to their homes. Then, Lirael showed them some practical knowledge on how to keep evil entities from their home. She gave them each a protective amulet as well, to ward off evil around them. Rayne contributed some of her knowledge of the occult, so the two Muppets™ would be better prepared to deal with whatever might come their way.


End file.
